You Can’t People-Please Your Way into Someone’s Life
“Healing is a gradual process. Consider the self as a garden: every seed you plant requires time to take root and flourish.”
I find profound joy in reflecting upon my life experiences—examining how they have shaped me, and most importantly, how they have refined me for the better. I cherish human connection, relish in the shared spaces we create with others, and find great fulfillment in bringing people together with the vibrancy of my spirit. However, what I failed to recognize for far too long was that much of this was driven by a subconscious desire to please others. I believed it was my sacred duty to hold everything and everyone together. In truth, I needed to discover how to hold myself together. I was uncertain how to embark on this path, but I sought wisdom and guidance from my Creator.
When the pandemic swept across the world in 2020, and I found myself in solitude more than ever, I made a deliberate vow: I would not emerge from this season the same person I was when it began. Little did I know, I was unknowingly stepping into a transformative process. I began praying audacious and life-altering prayers. “Lord, remove from my life any person who does not cherish me or love me with the same authenticity I offer them.” I prayed, “Lord, search my heart and reveal anything within me that no longer serves you or my higher good.”
The first casualty of this divine reckoning? People-pleasing. Yet, even though this change began, it wasn’t until 2022 that I fully comprehended its depth. Healing is a gradual process. Consider the self as a garden: every seed you plant requires time to take root and flourish. People-pleasing was a seed planted long ago—perhaps by a family member or by life’s circumstances. Instead of uprooting the weeds, I had inadvertently nurtured them, allowing them to grow unchecked.
I believed I was being a loyal friend, going above and beyond for those I loved. But in truth, I was attempting to people-please my way into their lives, believing that my worth was contingent upon their approval. I am not without fault, and there are parts of my journey I am not proud of, but I now accept that every version of myself, however flawed, contributed to the person I am today. Despite my past tendency to people-please, I have come to understand that my love for others is genuine—and I would rather choose peace over chaos.
At times, choosing peace meant staying too long in situations I was only meant to pass through. I know many who, after purging the weeds from their gardens, realized they had spent years watering a dead plant, hoping it would bloom.
In my formative years, I struggled in many aspects of my life. I was lost in the turmoil of self-discovery, trying to survive in a world that often felt hostile, drowning in external noise rather than seeking solace in my inner peace. I did not know how to retreat inwardly, so I mistakenly thought, “If I ensure that everyone around me is ok, then I would be ok too.”
For instance, if I had something that someone else deeply desired and I saw the longing or disappointment in their eyes, I wouldn’t hesitate to move heaven and earth to ensure they had it as well, because their happiness was important to me.I am still recovering from the exhaustion of those years—giving, constantly bending to the will of others. But through grace, I have learned to prune my garden, to plant seeds of self-care, and to tend to my flourishing.
Here is the most challenging revelation: prepare yourself for the painful truth that you may lose the people you once held in the highest regard—the friends you thought would walk beside you forever, the family members you believed could never be just another mortal human, made by the hand of God. God created us all. We are all one. He instructed us to “Love your neighbor as yourself,” but it wasn’t until three years ago that I truly grasped the depth of this command. Only recently did I have another profound revelation: God calls us to serve one another, not to please one another.
God is a jealous God. He commands, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” People-pleasing is, in its essence, a form of idolatry—and we know all too well how God feels about idols. This was one of the most eye-opening realizations I’ve had, the one that made me understand that I can serve others with a pure heart, without compromising my integrity in an attempt to please them.
